Author: silverfishbhavna

  • । एक ख़्वाहिश और ।

    मुझे ज़मीन चाहिए, खुला आसमां चाहिए।
    टुकडों टुकडों में नहीं, मुकम्मल जहां चाहिये।

    यूं बेफिक्री का माहौल सा है,
    न दोस्ती, ना किसी से अदावत है।
    हर राह चलते मुसाफिर को,
    गले लगाने की चाहत है।

    किताबों में ढूंढता रहता हूं इलाज
    इस बेकरार ओ बेमिज़ाज दिल का।
    कहीं किसी पिछले वरक़ में छुपा
    ख़त मिले मेरे क़ातिल का।

    हर महफिल में मुफलिस हूं यारों,
    अक्सर आंखें चुराता हूं दोस्तों से।
    जिंदगी कट गई ढूंढते ढूंढते
    बेघर हुआ इन्हीं पेचीदा रास्तों से ।

    मुझे ज़मीन चाहिए, खुला आसमां चाहिए।
    टुकडों टुकडों में नहीं, मुकम्मल जहां चाहिये।

    । भावना।
    20 Jan 2025

  • Daily Reflection

    In writing poetry
    I have to open past wounds
    Expose the blood, and bare the bones.
    These I offer as words
    As meter, rhyme and rhythm.

    And in that,
    Is the hope there is a part of me
    That becomes you.

    Now when the wound festers next
    Before I curl up in pain again
    We will share the agony.
    As you will share with others
    And all hold hands.

    That is my prayer
    With my pen in my hand today.

    Bhavna
    22 Jan 2025

  • Remembering

    Under the folds of fabrics,
    Old and wrinkled like the backside of my grandfather’s hand…
    (momentarily I wonder if there is a name for that part of anatomy).
    Under the stack of clothes, colours, memories, and seasons and smells,
    I come across an unused sweater.
    Bought on a windy day in a foreign land.
    A gift.
    A gift I didn’t want at that time.
    You bought, nonetheless.
    In spite of my spirited protests,
    You bought it with the impatience that wisdom sometimes bestows, even on guardian angels.

    As we inspected the sweater,
    You sold me the wool and the warmth,
    While the delighted shopkeeper waited till you sold his wares to yourself.
    So much more than money was exchanged in that moment.

    I muttered grudgingly till
    You spoilt me some more.

    Ambushed by souvenirs, I keep organizing my cabinets and cupboards.
    I furiously wrap thoughts, memories, tears and some sweaters in camphor smelling corners…
    Persuading myself that I now have no need for them.

    On days like these, I wonder what it means to move on.

    July 2020

  • The Forgotten Tiffin

    I remember feeling utterly embarrassed when Daddy came to my college, standing outside my classroom with my forgotten tiffin in hand. For an eighteen-year-old, it was awkward beyond measure to have the teacher pause the lecture and ask, “Whose parent is that?” only to add, “Bhavna forgot her tiffin yet again!” But for Daddy, retired and always seeking purpose, it was the highlight of his day.

    My absent-mindedness suddenly infused his day with excitement. At home, the usual chaos would ensue. Badi Mummy would mutter and fuss as she packed the tiffin in layers of plastic bags, knotting them tighter with each hurried movement. Daddy, equally flustered, would prepare to leave, and the inevitable debate would begin. Whose fault was it this time? Certainly not the poor girl’s, overworked at college! Maybe Badi Mummy packed the tiffin too late. Or perhaps she forgot to place it by my bag. Regardless, the day’s mission was clear: Daddy had to deliver the tiffin before noon.

    My college was a mere 5 kilometers away, but the journey felt monumental. It required walking half a kilometer to the bus stop under the relentless Ahmedabad sun, navigating two bus transfers, and finally completing another short walk. On a good day, it took an hour. On most days, plagued by the unpredictable bus service of the 90s—scarce, overcrowded, and unpredictable—it took closer to two. Yet, Daddy never complained. It was what it was.

    Daddy wasn’t just my father’s elder brother; he was the patriarch of our family and a larger-than-life figure. His laughter could fill a room, his smile could warm the coldest heart, and his appetite for good food and company was boundless. Everyone adored him. He had a way of making you feel seen and cherished, even when he was the cause of your teenage mortification.

    When Daddy arrived at my college, tiffin in hand, he waited patiently until the first break. Standing outside the classroom, he’d wave and smile at anyone who met his gaze, completely unbothered by the curious stares. As soon as the break began, I’d rush to him, desperate to minimize the interaction. But Daddy had his own rhythm, and he wasn’t in a hurry.

    He greeted my friends like they were his own. Priyamwada, he’d observe, looked undernourished and needed more home-cooked meals. Juhi, with her infectious laughter, was complimented on her charm. Jay and Jaladhi were reminded they hadn’t visited in too long. Bijal was advised to leave that dreadful hostel where she was obviously being neglected. Daddy’s warmth was magnetic, his chatter endless. It was only after multiple promises to eat on time that I’d manage to coax him out of the campus. Watching him leave, his long, sing-song strides radiating satisfaction, I couldn’t help but smile. Daddy had done his job, and he had done it well.

    How does one find such happiness in the most mundane of tasks? It came effortlessly to Daddy. He taught us to live in the moment. He was easily content with life. He lived simply, and found great joy in whatever he accomplished. A swim, a walk, a drink, a meal, a phone call, a good night’s sleep… he made through ups and downs in life being the happiest man in the room.

    And so, we will remember Daddy always as the man who lit up the room, whose eyes twinkled when he spotted you, who laughed the loudest, and just who made the most of the moment. The man who brought joy for lunch to a forgetful girl.

    Bhavna

    May 2021

  • self love

    (गुलजार साहब के नाम)

    आज self love की सारी हदें पार कर दी,
    आज मैंने अपनी नजर आप उतार ली।

    अपने बालों की चमकती चांदी,
    अपनी आंखो की सुर्ख सी लकीरें,
    सबसे साथ गहरी दोस्ती स्वीकार ली।
    आज मैंने अपनी नजर आप उतार ली।

    बच्चे सुनेंगे तो बस यही कहेंगे,
    पचास की होने से पहले ही शायद
    हमारी मम्मी है कुछ सठिया ली।
    आज उसने अपनी नजर आप उतार ली।

    क्या बन आई मन में क्या जाने,
    कस के एक मुट्ठी नमक के सहारे,
    मैने फिर से जिंदा होने की कसम खा ली।
    आज मैंने अपनी नजर आप उतार ली।

    वैसे गमगीन नही,
    बहुत खुश हूं मैं।
    बस अपने आप से खफा रहती हूं।
    गजब की बात देखिए,
    मैने अंधविश्वास से आज
    खुद पर विश्वास करने की इजाज़त मांग ली।
    आज मैंने अपनी नजर आप उतार ली।

    ।भावना।
    3 Nov 2023

  • Among Mountains

    When I am among the mountains
    It is as if I am back home,
    after days of toil, and turmoil.
    And I feel hugged calmly, and deeply.

    The deodars and the oaks
    Whisper lullabies, as they bend,
    and call me by my childhood names.
    I close my eyes, and remember how it feels
    to breathe in my mother’s arms.

    The sky opens its heart generously,
    And lets the sunlight play in my hair.
    For I have let my hair fall freely and wildly,
    Unafraid and unchained.

    I have disappeared in the mountains-
    In its infinite wisdom.
    I am lost,
    And in that, I have found myself.

    “Don’t leave yet” I hear the wind softly,
    “For we have much to tell you.”
    I smile bravely as I pack
    I know I will come back.
    For now,
    I tenderly pack memories and sights and sounds.
    Wearily I know this too,
    the suitcase is too small for my indulgence.

    Bhavna
    Theog 01-12-24

  • Leaving Home

    Let me ask you my friend,
    What would you do?
    If suddenly you were asked to pack a bag,
    And leave your home.
    The time will be short,
    The bag most definitely too small.
    You will have to hurry and leave before dawn….
    Oh, you brush me aside.
    No way,
    not possible to pack so fast!

    Let me tell you what I did,
    When my father asked me to do this.
    He was broken hearted,
    Yet calm and gentle.
    He spoke softly,
    So as not to disturb the Ghar-divta, our house spirit.
    For in that age and time,
    We believed that our homes were living things,
    The devoted spirit of each home lived in its attic,
    And protected it’s members everyday.

    So on this night,
    The night we had to abandon our home and divtas and spirits,
    We spoke softly.
    My father wanted to save the gods the pain of seeing us leave,
    Of not being able to protect and save their offspring.
    So we left quietly in the morning hours, long before the sun rose.
    In my bag, I kept my school work, for my teacher was tough, and
    a half written letter to my friend.
    Just these two, my entire life at that moment.
    And my sister hurriedly packed a book and some clothes.
    Mismatched, but enough for two days. Or maybe four.
    As we left the serpentine lane behind, we wondered who would water the grass and the hedges.
    We worried if the cold wind would blow the clothes left out to dry and take them too far away.
    About what the January frost would do to the harvested pumpkin, lovingly kept in the attic with the spirits.
    And we also wondered about the packets and packets of salt.
    For our home was young, and we were still receiving traditional house warming bags of salt.
    We worried about the mundane, the simplicity of what we left behind.

    After decades, I return to the same serpentine lane.
    I carry the small bag in my very being.
    It is coiled, knotted and hurting.
    There are new parts of me rattling inside this bag too,
    Hoping to be let loose.
    But what I really want-
    Is to go and meet the Ghar-divta,
    The spirit of my home and tell him that we all lived.

    What I want most,
    Is to set the Divta free.

    Bhavna

  • ।अब।

    आज इस कमबख्त गूगल ने,
    सुबह सवेरे मन उदास कर दिया।

    पिछले साल के गुलमोहर के फूल दिखा दिए।
    तपे हुए नीले आसमान में, आग लगाते हुए लाल फूल।

    और फिर याद आए,
    पिछले घर के अगले आंगन में
    जो छूट गए,
    वह सुनहरी-चटक पीले,
    हमारे अमलतास के फूल।
    जैसे कोई मोती बिखेरते हुए, दिल खोल के,
    खिलखिला कर हंस रहा हो।

    सोलवें माले के चौथे कमरे में अब मन बेचैन हो चला है।
    आजकल हवा साफ है,
    अब उड़ना जरूरी है।
    अब ज़िद पर अड़ना है…
    मुझे फूलों से मिलने जाना है।

    पर ज़िद है तो क्यों ना बचपन वाली ज़िद की जाये?
    बेबाक होकर, अकड़ कर आज मांगा जाए।

    अब मुझे
    शिकारा में बैठ कर पंपोश के फूल छूने है।
    आंखे मीच कर यंबरज़ल के फूल, उनकी खुशबू से पहचाने है।

    बहुत देर हो गई
    अब घर जाना है।